Friday, December 20th, 2013

Useless laws weaken the necessary laws.
                -Charles de Montesquieu,
                 philosopher and writer (1689-1755)
                 A Word A Day  29Apr2013

Thursday, December 19th, 2013

*
Afternoon, n.:

        That part of the day we spend worrying
        about how we wasted the morning.

Wednesday, December 18th, 2013

*
The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of
statistics.  These are raised to the _ nth degree, the cube roots are
extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive
displays.  What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every
case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts down anything he damn well pleases.
                -- Sir Josiah Stamp

Tuesday, December 17th, 2013

 "I'm just tryin' to keep everything in balance, Woodrow.
         You do more work than you got to, so it's my obligation
         to do less."

                                    -Agustus McCrae
                                     Lonesome Dove
                                     Submitted by Herr Kemper

Notice!

After Fri December 20th, I will be taking some time off of Thought for the day. I will return on Monday, Jan 6th,

Monday, December 16th, 2013

Thought for the day: Golden Oldie

Nothing is really lost.
It's just where it doesn't belong.

-Suzanne Mueller

Friday, December 13th, 2013

  Golden Oldie


     At times our own light goes out and is
     rekindled by a spark from another person.
     Each of us has cause to think with deep
     gratitude of those who have lighted the flame
     within us.

                       -Albert Schweitzer

           From .sig Quotes
           via Penny Pennington's Today's Thought

Thursday, December 12th, 2013

Golden Oldie


       Before you criticize people, you
       should walk a mile in their shoes.
       That way, when you criticize them,
       you've got a mile-long head start. ...
       And you have their shoes.
                      -The Lion

Wednesday, December 11th, 2013

  *
         To invent,
          you need a good imagination
          and a pile of junk.
                  -Thomas Edison

Monday, December 9th, 2013

  *



       If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
       As Dame Fortune did intend,
       Murphy would be there to tell me
       The pot's at the other end.


                      -Bert Whitney

Friday, December 6th, 2013

Golden Oldie


   Finish every day and be done with it.
   You have done what you could;
   some blunders and absurdities crept in;
   forget them as soon as you can.
   Tomorrow is a new day;
   You shall begin it serenely and
   with too high a spirit to be encumbered
   with your old nonsense.
               -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thursday, December 5th, 2013

  *



         I have the simplest tastes.
         I am always satisfied with the best.

                     -Oscar Wilde

Wednesday, December 4th, 2013

I see NOTHING! I know NOTHING!
                       -Sgt Schultz
                        Hogan's Heroes

Tuesday, December 3rd, 2013

*
Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
        When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.

Wednesday, November 27th, 2013

Golden Oldie

        When the Department of Corrections makes a mistake, who corrects them? Is there another Department for that, and if so, what are they called?
     ...
                                  -Reported by Scott Adams
                                   Dilbert Newsletter #23

Tuesday, November 26th, 2013

 Golden Oldie
              If you wait until you can
              do everything for everybody,
              instead of something for somebody,
              you'll end up not doing anything for anybody.
                               -Malcolm Bane

Info for Thurs

Due to Thurs being Thanksgiving, I will not have a thought that day.

Monday, November 25th, 2013

The most erroneous stories are those we think we know best -
      and therefore never scrutinize or question.

                         -Stephen Jay Gould,
                          paleontologist, biologist,
                          author (1941-2002)
                          A Word A Day Apr 4th, 2013

Friday, November 22nd, 2013

Golden Oldie

         Moderation in temper is always a virture;
          but moderation in principle is always a vice.
                            -Thomas Paine

Thursday, November 21st, 2013

Golden Oldie


          I don't know the key to success,
          but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
                                 -Bill Cosby

Wednesday, November 20th, 2013

Golden Oldie




           STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS!?

                              So...chocolate cancels stress!



                               -Sig File of Denise Gantt

Tuesday, November 19th, 2013

                                                  Golden Oldie

   Sainthood emerges when you can listen to someone's tale of woe
       and not respond with a description of your own.

                             -Andrew V. Mason, M.D.

Monday, November 18th, 2013

Golden Oldie




                     How much more grievous are
                     the consequences of anger than
                     the causes of it.
                                -Marcus Aurelius

Friday, November 15th, 2013

Golden Oldie


                    The curtains are drawn-
                    but the rest of the furniture is real.

Thursday, November 14th, 2013

Golden Oldie

              Everyone should be quick to listen,
              slow to speak and slow to become angry.
                                       -James

Wednesday, November 13th, 2013

Golden Oldie
          Truth is not determined by majority vote.
                              -Doug Gwyn.

Tuesday, November 12th, 2013

*
Newlan's Truism:
        An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

Monday, November 11th, 2013

  *
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Friday, November 8th, 2013

Golden Oldie


           Don't ever love an institution...
           because it won't love you back!
                          -Larry Wilson

Thursday, November 7th, 2013

*

   Flugg's Law:
        When you need to knock on wood is when
        you realize that the world is composed of
        vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.

Wednesday, November 6th, 2013

  *
"Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I
ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
                -- Steven Wright

A new blog I have

http://eldergardnermissionblog.blogspot.com/

Tuesday, November 5th, 2013

  *
     Expert, n.:
        Someone who comes from out of town
        and does a Power Point Presentation

Monday, November 4th, 2013

Golden Oldie



                How much more grievous are
                the consequences of anger than
                the causes of it.
                        -Marcus Aurelius

New Blog I have

http://eldergardnermissionblog.blogspot.com/

My son is on an LDS mission. Check out his blog.

Friday, November 1st, 2013

Golden Oldie
By the time the average person finishes college he or she will have taken
over 2,600 tests, quizzes and exams. The 'right answer' approach becomes
deeply ingrained in our thinking. This may be fine for some mathematical
problems, where there is in fact only one right answer. The difficulty is
that most of life isn't that way. Life is ambiguous; there are many right
answers - all depending on what you are looking for. But when we think
that there is only one right answer, we'll stop looking as soon as we find
one.

              -Roger von Oech,
               "A Whack On the Side Of The Head"

Thursday, October 31st, 2013

Golden Oldie


        Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions
        and great wizards of emerald cities, I find it
        hard to believe there is no paperwork involved
        when your house lands on a witch.?

                                -Dave James
                                 From the Good Clean
                                 Funnies List

Wednesday, October 30th, 2013

*
Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves
to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way
to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the
cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in
fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a
lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of
the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
                -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"

Tuesday, October 29th, 2013

*


     The most exciting phrase to hear in science,
     the one that heralds new discoveries,
     is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
                              -Isaac Asimov

Monday, October 28th, 2013

*




      When I was crossing the border into Canada,
      they asked if I had any firearms with me.
      I said, `Well, what do you need?'

                     -Steven Wright

Friday, October 25th, 2013

If you say 'gullible' slowly,
        it sounds like 'oranges'.
               -True Fact (As published in
                _The American Journal of
 m              Applied T-Shirt Knowledge_
                and reported by
                Herr Kemper)

Thursday, October 24th, 2013

Golden Oldie




     There is no satisfactory substitute for brains,
     but in some cases silence does pretty well.
             -Newsletter, Rotary Club Albuquerque Del Norte
               (No other attribution given.)

Tuesday, October 22nd, 2013

  *
Zero Defects, n.:
        The result of shutting down a production line

Friday, October 18th, 2013

*
What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.

Thursday, October 17th, 2013

Golden Oldie




                       As long as you belittle,
                       you will be little.

                               -Zingers

Wednesday, October 16th, 2013

A learned County Court judge in a book of memoirs recently
    said that the overwhelming amount of his time on the bench
    was taken up "with people who are persuaded by persons whom
    they do not know to enter into contracts that they do not
    understand to purchase goods that they do not want with
    money that they have not got."


                               -Lord Greene

Wednesday, October 16th, 2013

A learned County Court judge in a book of memoirs recently
    said that the overwhelming amount of his time on the bench
    was taken up "with people who are persuaded by persons whom
    they do not know to enter into contracts that they do not
    understand to purchase goods that they do not want with
    money that they have not got."


                               -Lord Greene

Tuesday, October 15th, 2013

  *



    The problem with any unwritten law is that
    you don't know where to go to erase it.


                      -Glaser and Way

Monday, October 14th, 2013

Golden Oldie


      Enjoy the little things, for one day you may
                  look back and realize they were the big things.
                                        -Robert Brault

Friday, October 11th, 2013

Golden Oldie
                                         First published tftd 11/04/88

                It's not my job
                    To run the train
                The whistle I can't blow
                    It's not my job
                To say how far
                    The train's allowed to go
                It's not my place
                    To shoot off steam
                Nor even clang the bell
                    But let the train once
                Jump the track....
                    Then see who catches hell.
                        -On the wall of the Stationmaster's Office,
                         Grand Central Terminal
                         (Also seen in Korea circa 1965 at
                         an especially appropriate moment during
                         the annual joint exercise which is
                         taking place again this year at this time.)

Thursday, October 10th, 2013

  *


              If you're happy,
              you're successful.

Wednesday, October 9th, 2013

Golden Oldie



          It is amazing how long it takes to
              complete something you are not working on.

                       -From Top Ten Aphorisms of 85-86

Tuesday, October 8th, 2013

  *


       Misery no longer loves company.
       Nowadays it insists on it.
                 -Russell Baker

Tuesday, October 8th, 2013

  *


       Misery no longer loves company.
       Nowadays it insists on it.
                 -Russell Baker

Monday, October 7th, 2013

Golden Oldie



                  Despite inflation, a penny for some
                  people's thoughts is still a fair price.
                                  -Zingers

Monday, October 7th, 2013

Golden Oldie



                  Despite inflation, a penny for some
                  people's thoughts is still a fair price.
                                  -Zingers

Friday, October 4th, 2013

 Golden Oldie
              Palindrome isn't one.
              'Has eighteen letters' does.

Thursday, October 3rd, 2013

I know someone that lost 50 pounds....
                     Unfortunately he was in England at the time.

                                  -Probably said by one of the
                                   late night comics

Wednesday, October 2nd, 2013

Golden Oldie

                   The dime isn't entirely worthless;
                   it makes a fairly good screwdriver
                   when you need it.
                                   -Zingers

Tuesday, October 1st, 2013

*
"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..."

Monday, September 30th, 2013

*
Q:  Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A:  To prevent the sensible ones from going home.

Friday, September 27th, 2013

  *
   Deliberation, n.:
        The act of examining one's bread
        to determine which side it is buttered on.
                -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Thursday, September 26th, 2013

*


    Parkinson's Fifth Law:
        If there is a way to delay in important decision,
        the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.

Wednesday, September 25th, 2013

Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week:

        Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.

Tuesday, September 24th, 2013

Do you know how many members of the TATE family belong to
our organization?

There is old man DICK TATE who wants to run everything,
while Uncle RO TATE tries to change everything.

Their sister, AGI TATE, stirs up plenty of trouble with help
from her husband, IRRI TATE.

Whenever new projects are suggested, HESI TATE and his wife,
VEGI TATE, want to wait until next year.

Brother FACILI TATE is quite helpful in group matters.

And a happy member is Ms. FELICI TATE.

Cousins COGI TATE and MEDI TATE always think things over and
lend a helpful steady hand.

And, of course, there is the bad seed in the family, AMPU
TATE, who has cut himself off completely from the rest of
the organization.

(From Donna Eaker)

Received from Stan Kegel.

GCFL for Feb 13, 2013

And there is the Potato Head family that didn't want their daughter
to marry a newscaster because he was a Commentator. -tftd

Monday, September 23rd, 2013

  *
Stupid, n.:
        Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.

Friday, September 20th, 2013

*

        Which is worse: ignorance or apathy?
        Who knows?  Who cares?

Thursday, September 19th, 2013

MY TRAVEL PLANS FOR 2013 (Part 2)

   I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go,
   and I try not to visit there too often.
   I've been in Flexible,
   but only when it was very important to stand firm.
   Sometimes I'm in Capable,
   and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
   One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!
   It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps
   up the old heart! At my age I need all the
   stimuli I can get!
                    -Jim Berry
                     From 'Research' on the Internet?

Wednesday, September 18th, 2013

MY TRAVEL PLANS FOR 2013 (Part 1)
  I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
  Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with
  someone.
  I've also never been in Cognito.
  I hear no one recognizes you there.
  I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport;
  you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there,
  thanks to my friends,family and work.
  I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump,
  and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

                         -Jim Berry
                          From 'Research' on the Internet?

Tuesday, September 17th, 2013

 All my life I wanted to be someone;
       I guess I should have been more specific.

                         -Jane Wagner

Friday, September 13th, 2013

*
Ignisecond, n.:
        The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

Thursday, September 12th, 2013

Golden Oldie




        Many a person gets a reputation for being energetic,
        when, in truth, he is merely fidgety.
                              -Jan McKeithen

Wednesday, September 11th, 2013

 I try not to make any noise
           when I get up out of a chair.
                     -Sophia Loren
              When asked how she managed
              to appear so young.
              As quoted by Sissy Spacek in
             _My Extraordinary Ordinary Life_

Tuesday, September 10th, 2013

Golden Oldie

You can only be young once-
but you can be immature all your life.

Monday, September 9th, 2013

Golden Oldie



             The most difficult thing about
             learning to play the bagpipes
             is that it is hard to know
             when you hit a wrong note.

Friday, September 6th, 2013

Golden Oldie
*


             Duct tape is like the force.
             It has a light side,
                    and a dark side,
             and it holds the universe together ...

                        -Carl Zwanzig

Thursday, September 5th, 2013

Golden Oldie




          Happiness isn't something you experience,
           it is something you remember.

                                   -Oscar Levant

Wednesday, September 4th, 2013

*




      A great many people think they are thinking
      when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

                           -William James

Tuesday, September 2nd, 2013

Golden Oldie


                   Lord when we are wrong,
                        make us willing to change.
                   And when we are right,
                        make us easy to live with.
                                  -Peter Marshall

Friday, August 30th, 2013

Golden Oldie


        There's no thrill in easy sailing
             when the skies are clear and blue,
        there's no joy in merely doing
             things which any one can do.
        But there is some satisfaction
             that is mighty sweet to take,
        when you reach a destination
             that you thought you'd never make.
                         -Spirella

Thursday, August 29th, 2013

*
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
                -- Thomas Edison

Wednesday, August 28th, 2013

Golden Oldie

     Reader, suppose you were an idiot- And suppose you
     were a member of congress- But I repeat myself.
                                  -Will Rogers

Tuesday, August 27th, 2013

  Golden Oldie

    Never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.

Thursday, August 22nd, 2013

Golden Oldie



         If you're not part of the solution,
           you're part of the precipitate.
                            -Kim 101

Wednesday, August 21st, 2013

What you do in this world is a matter of no
        consequence.  The question is what can you
        make people believe you have done.
                        -Sherlock Holmes
                        _A Study in Scarlet_
                         Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Tuesday, August 20th, 2013

*
Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism

Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.

The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
knowledge.
                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Monday, August 19th, 2013

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain
    the difference between complete and finished.
        However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London,
        England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the
        world, Samsunder Balgogin, a Guanese, was the clear winner.
        His final challenge was this: "Some say there is no difference
        between complete and finished. Please explain the difference
        between complete and finished in a way that is easy to
        understand."
        His astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are
        complete. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are finished.
        If the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are
        completely finished."
        His answer was received with a standing ovation.
                     -Submitted by Herr Kemper

Friday, August 16th, 2013

Golden Oldie




      It's a strange world of language in which
      skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.

                         -Franklin P. Jones

Thursday, August 15th, 2013

Golden Oldie


     No problem can stand the assault of sustained thinking.
                                 -Voltaire

Wednesday, August 14th, 2013

It's my belief we developed language
        because of our deep inner need to complain.

                           -Lily Tomlin
                            (Script by Jane4 Wagner)

Tuesday, August 13th, 2013

Golden Oldie



       One of the lessons of history is that
       nothing is often a good thing to do
       and always a clever thing to say.
                     -Will Durant

Monday, August 12th, 2013

*


     Every improvement in communication
     makes the bore more terrible.

                -Frank Moore Colby

Friday, August 9th, 2013

Golden Oldie


      I was gratified to be able to answer promptly,
      and I did.  I said I didn't know.

                            -Mark Twain

Thursday, August 8th, 2013

The preacher came to call on Doc the other day. He said
   at Doc's  age he should be thinking of the hereafter.
   Doc  told him, "Oh, I do it all the time. No matter where
   I am -- in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down
   in the basement -- I ask myself, 'Now, what am I here after?"
        Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle via
           the Good, Clean Funnies List.

Wednesday, August 7th, 2013

Golden Oldie



               Help support Search & Rescue Teams-
                            GET LOST

Tuesday, August 6th, 2013

Golden Oldie



              What we obtain too cheap,
                  we esteem too lightly.
                        -Thomas Paine

Monday, August 5th, 2013

 Golden Oldie

   If we don't march in step, it isn't a parade-
            it's just a bunch of jaywalkers.
                           -Jim Grubs

Friday, August 2nd, 2013

Golden Oldie



               It seems everything in the world
                gets more valuable as it ages-
                    except the human body.
                         -Ken Roesler

Thursday, August 1st, 2013

Golden Oldie


 We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life
  when all we need to make us really happy is something to be
  enthusiastic about.
                         -Anon
                         (Provided by Wes 'Bubba' Henderson)

Wednesday, July 31st, 2013

My philological studies have satisfied me that
    a gifted person ought to learn English (barring
    spelling and pronouncing) in thirty hours,
    French in thirty days, and German in thirty years.
                      -Mark Twain
                       "The Awful German Language"

Mark Twain was an optimist.  tftd

Tuesday, July 30th, 2013

*


    As with most fine things, chocolate has its season.
    There is a simple memory aid that you can use to
    determine whether it is the correct time to order
    chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the
    letter A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.
               -Sandra Boynton,
                "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"

Monday, July 29th, 2013

 Golden Oldie



          If A equals success,
          then the formula is A = X + Y + Z.
          X is work.  Y is play.
          Z is keep your mouth shut.

                    -Albert Einstein

Friday, July 26th, 2013

Golden Oldie



           Everything is within walking distance-
                      if you have enough time.
                             -Steve Wright

Thursday, July 25th, 2013

When two opposite points of view are expressed with equal intensity, the truth does not necessarily lie exactly halfway between them. It is possible for one side to be simply wrong.
                     -Richard Dawkins, biologist and
                      author (b. 1941)
                      A.Word.A.Day 11/7/2012

Wednesday, July 24th, 2013

In our world of big names, curiously, our true heroes
      tend to be anonymous. In this life of illusion and
      quasi-illusion, the person of solid virtues who can be
      admired for something more substantial than his
      well-knownness often proves to be the unsung hero:
      the teacher, the nurse, the mother, the honest cop,
      the hard worker at lonely, underpaid, unglamorous,
      unpublicized jobs.
                        -Daniel J Boorstin, historian, professor,
                         attorney, and writer (1914-2004)
                         A.Word.A.Day  Fri 11/16/2012

Tuesday, July 23rd, 2013

 Golden Oldie




       Patience comes to those who wait.

                     -Tom Wilson

Tuesday, July 23rd, 2013

"The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes of mind." ~~ William James






Karie **Please share the inspiration by forwarding to friends and family.

Monday, July 22nd, 2013

  *


               The more we disagree,
               the more chance there is that
               at least one of us is right.

Friday, July 19th, 2013

*


         My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies

Thursday, July 18th, 2013

Golden Oldie



                   I want to be what I was
                   when I wanted to be what I am now.
                           -Graffito, London 1980

Wednesday, July 17th, 2013

 *
         All the world's a stage
         and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
                          -Sean O'Casey

Tuesday, July 16th, 2013

Why smart people do dumb things online.

     (One) reason is a fundamental flaw in human nature,
     which is that we think our potential audience is the
     same as our intended audience.

     (Two is)something economists call "present bias." When
     the reward is now, but the risk later, we can't help
     but to embrace the reward and ignore the risk.


                             by Mike Elgan
                             ComputerWorld
                             November 17, 2012

Monday, July 15th, 2013

Golden Oldie


            To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.

Friday, July 12th, 2013

If your feet smell,
                    and your nose runs, ...

                    You may be upside down.

                              -Unknown

Thursday, July 11th, 2013

  *
In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
the proper order then why can't he?

Wednesday, July 10th, 2013

*
            I know the answer!  The answer
            lies within the heart of all mankind!

            The answer is twelve?
            I think I'm in the wrong building.

                       -Charles Schulz

Tuesday, July 9th, 2013

*
Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."

Monday, July 8th, 2013

Golden Oldie





      One day I was walking in a forest
      and a tree fell and it made no sound.

                     -Steve Wright

Wednesday, July 3rd, 2013

Golden Oldie




    Some people say a decision has to marinate
    before you can make it.  Sometimes that's true.
    But you'll never have all the information you need
    to make a decision.  If you did, it would be
    a foregone conclusion not a decision.

                -David Mahoney
                  _Confessions of a Street-Smart Manager_

Tuesday, July 2nd, 2013

 Golden Oldie


                    He hadn't time to pen a note.
                    He hadn't time to cast a vote.
                    He hadn't time to sing a song.
                    He hadn't time to right a wrong.
                    He hadn't time to love or give.
                    He hadn't time to really live.
                    From now on he'll have time on end
                    He died today, my 'busy' friend.

Monday, July 1st, 2013

Being ignorant is not so much a shame,
                     as being unwilling to learn.
                               - Benjamin Franklin

Tuesday, June 25th, 2013

  *

         If you can lead it to water and
         force it to drink, it isn't a horse.

Monday, June 24th, 2013

  *
Cleanliness is next to impossible.

Friday June 21st, 2013

  *
"I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like."

Thursday, June 20th, 2013

*
Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
                -- Publius Syrus

Wednesday, June 19th, 2013

  *
There's no future in time travel

Monday, June 17th, 2013

   For all sad words of tongue or pen,
                 the saddest are these,
                 'It might have been'"
                        -John Greenleaf Whittier,
                         "Maud Muller"

Friday, June 14th, 2013

    *
Don't get even -- get odd!

Thursday, June 13th, 2013

  *
If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
                -- Clarence Day

Wednesday, June 12th, 2013

Golden Oldie





    An unemployed jester is nobody's fool.

Tuesday, June 11th, 2013

He that is good for making excuses
           is seldom good for anything else.
                    -Benjamin Franklin
                     Recently quoted by a
                     OALB member-Dave Smith

Monday, June 10th, 2013

*
The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!

Friday, June 7th, 2013

*

      Economics is extremely useful
      as a form of employment for economists.
                -John Kenneth Galbraith

Thursday, June 6th, 2013

Golden Oldie

    "'The time has come,' the Walrus said,
         'To talk of many things;
     Of shoes --and ships --and sealingwax --
         Of cabbages --and kings --
     And why the sea is boiling hot --
         And whether pigs have wings.'"
                 -Lewis Carroll
                  _Through the Looking-Glass_

Tuesday, June 4th, 2013

Golden Oldie

     Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and
     the other guy has an even better sob story.

Monday, June 3rd, 2013

Golden Oldie

    Without the tale-hearers,
    there would be no tale-bearers.

Friday, May 31st, 2013

Golden Oldie


       A king's castle is his home.

Thursday, May 30th, 2013

     *


     What you don't know can hurt you,
     only you won't know it.

Wednesday, May 29th, 2013

Golden Oldie

   I would like to be allowed to admire
   a man's opinion as I would his dog -
   without being expected to take it home with me.
                         -Frank A. Clark

Tuesday, May 28th, 2013

Golden Oldie



     To talk much and arrive nowhere is the
     same as climbing a tree to catch a fish.

                       -Chinese Proverb

Thursday, May 23rd, 2013

Golden Oldie



        If A=B and
           B=C then
           A=C, except where void or prohibited by law.
                                -Roy Santoro

Wednesday, May 22nd, 2013

Golden Oldie


     A person who talks about his inferiors hasn't any.

Tuesday, May 21st, 2013

  *
We can predict everything, except the future.

Monday, May 20th, 2013

Golden Oldie



              Avoid suspicion: when your're walking through
              Your neighbor's melon patch, don't tie your shoe.

                           -Chinese Proverb

Friday May 17th, 2013

Golden Oldie



     Favorite shovel-
     Don't heave loam without it.
                   -Marl Kalden

Wednesday, May 15th, 2013

*
If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
                -- George Burns

Tuesday, May 14th, 2013

  *
"What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so
that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our
country. Nice try anyway, George."
                -- D.J. on KSFO/KYA

Monday, May 13th, 2013

  *
Bore, n.:
        A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.
                -- Walter Winchell

Friday May 10th, 2013

   Golden Oldie



     Where the river is deepest it makes the least noise.

Thursday, May 9th, 2013

*
A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.

Wednesday, May 8th, 2013

                                                                      *
Life is like an analogy

Tuesday, May 7th, 2013

Golden Oldie


                 By the yard,
                 life is hard.
                 By the inch,
                 it's a cinch.

Monday, May 6th, 2013

Golden Oldie


      I'm proud to say I'm a humble person.
                       -Edmond J. Gross

Friday, May 3rd, 2013

Golden Oldie



    To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
    Patience comes to those who wait.

                      -Tom Wilson

Thursday, May 2nd, 2013

Golden Oldie


                 Poverty's no disgrace,
                 but 'tis a great inconvenience.
                      -English proverb

Wednesday, May 1st, 2012

Golden Oldie


           A person who can speak many languages
           is not necessarily more valuable than
           a person who can listen well in one.
                               -Anon

Wednesday, May 1st, 2012

Golden Oldie


           A person who can speak many languages
           is not necessarily more valuable than
           a person who can listen well in one.
                               -Anon

Tuesday, April 30th, 2013

Golden Oldie

      One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
                           -Mork

Friday, April 26th, 2013

Golden Oldie

     There is nothing quite so good as a burial at sea.
     It is simple, tidy, and not very incriminating.
                            -Alfred Hitchcock

Thursday, April 25th, 2013

                                                                      *

           The chief danger in life is that
           you may take too may precautions.

                          -Alfred Adler

Wednesday, April 24th, 2013

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time,
        and your government when it deserves it.
                         -Mark Twain
                          Submitted by Herr Kemper

Tuesday, April 23rd, 2013

    *


    It's lucky you're going so slowly,
    because you're going in the wrong direction.

Monday, April 22nd, 2013

*

   I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed.
   Except perhaps the time I found out that M&Ms really
   *do* melt in your hand ...

                          -Peter Oakley

Friday, April 19th, 2013

*
The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water.  Eager to show
off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his
next hunting trip.  Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the
duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the
duck and returned it to his master.
        "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
        "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't
swim."

Thursday, April 18th, 2013

*
Individualists unite!

Wednesday, April 17th, 2013

In war, you can only be killed once,
                 but in politics, many times.
                                 -Winston Churchill
                                  Submitted by Herr Kemper

Tuesday, April 16th, 2013

You never have to recover from a good start.
                        -Glenn Sauls
                         Sauls Consulting
                         From his presentation to
                         Herr Kemper's congregation

Monday, April 15th, 2013

*
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not
desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
                -- Woody Allen

Friday, April 12th, 2013

Golden Oldie


    There are two reasons for reading a book; one, that
    you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.
                                 -Bertrand Russell

Thursday, April 11th, 2013

Golden Oldie


     The problem with doing something right the first
     time is that no one knows how difficult it was.

Wednesday, April 10th, 2013

*
History repeats itself.  That's one thing wrong with history.

Tuesday, April 9th, 2013

  *
Meader's Law:
        Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
everyone you know, only more so.

Monday, April 8th, 2013

Golden Oldie



             "I hope one day to be promoted to General",
                          Tom said privately.

Wednesday, March 27th, 2013

*
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.

Tuesday, March 26th, 2013

Miss Piggy
 If I give an orange to my friend,
 I say to him, "I give you this orange."
 If a lawyer does it, he says it this way:
     "Know all men by these presents that I hereby give, grant, bargain,
      sell, release, convey, transfer, and quitclaim all my right, title,
      interest, benefit, and use whatever in, of, and concerning this
      chattel, otherwise known as an orange, or citrus orantium, together
      with all the appurtenances thereto of skin, pulp, pip, rind, seeds,
      and juice, to have and to hold the said orange together with its
      skin, pulp, pip, rind, seeds, and juice, for his own use and behoof,
      to himself and his heirs in fee simple forever, free from all liens,
      encumbrances, easements, limitations, restraints, or conditions
      whatsoever, any and all prior deeds, transfers or other documents
      whatsoever, now or anywhere made to the contrary notwithstanding,
      with full power to bite, cut, suck, or otherwise eat the said
      orange or to give away the same with or without its skin, pulp, pip,
      rind, seeds, or juice."

                                     CONTRIBUTED by
                                     -Butch Kemper

Monday, March 25th, 2013

  *
Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
tellers take economists seriously?

Friday, March 22nd, 2013

  *

      They that can give up essential liberty
      to obtain a little temporarysafety
      deserve neither liberty nor safety.
                -Benjamin Franklin, 1759

Thursday, March 21st, 2013

*

Acquaintance, n.:
        A person whom we know well enough to borrow from,
        but not well enough to lend to.
                 -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Wednesday, March 20th, 2013

I like to see a man proud of the place in which
        he lives. I like to see a man live so that his
        place will be proud of him.

                             -Abraham Lincoln
                              Submitted by Herr Kemper

Tuesday, March 19th, 2013

Understand that panic is
   not an investement strategy.
              -American Funds "Investor"

Monday, March 18th, 2013

*
Law of Communications:
        The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of
misunderstanding.

Friday, March 15th, 2013

Where there is a great deal of free speech,
        there is always a certain amount of foolish
        speech.
                      -Winston Churchill
                       Submitted by Herr Kemper

Thursday, March 14th, 2013

*
XIIdigitation, n.:
        The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made
by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.
                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

Wednesday, March 13th, 2013

  *
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
convulsed with laughter.  Some day I intend reading it.
                -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"

Tuesday, March 12th, 2013

  "Spontaneity' does not 'just happen'.
        It has to be painfully pre-planned.

                         -Woody157
                          Submitted by
                          Herr Kemper

Monday, March 11th, 2013

*
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.

Friday, March 8th, 2013

    *
The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly
greater than that of any other animals.  Some of their most esteemed
inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner
party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.
                -- H. L. Mencken

Thursday, March 7th, 2013

 Golden Oldie


        No family should attempt an auto trip
        if the kids outnumber the car windows.
                    -Teresa Bloomingdale

Wednesday, March 6th, 2013

Golden Oldie


     If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

                               -Derek Bok

Tuesday, March 5th, 2013

Golden Oldie


              No one with a good catch of fish
              goes home by way of the back alley.
                             -Anon

Monday, March 4th, 2013

Golden Oldie

            Never try to teach a pig to sing-
            It wastes your time and it annoys the pig.
                                -Submitted by Herr Kemper

Friday, March 1st, 2013

  Golden Oldie



       The problem with doing something right the first
       time is that no one knows how difficult it was.

Thursday, February 28th, 2013

Golden Oldie



              Gossip is when you hear
              something you like
              about someone you don't.
                    -Earl Wilson

Wednesday, February 27th, 2013

*
A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide
who has the better lawyer.
                -- Robert Frost

Tuesday, February 26th, 2013

*



     One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs --
     but it is amazing how many eggs one can break
     without making a decent omelette.

                -Professor Charles P. Issawi

Monday, February 25th, 2013

I like to see a man proud of the place in which
        he lives. I like to see a man live so that his
        place will be proud of him.
                       -Abraham Lincoln
                        Submitted by Herr Kemper

Friday, February 22nd, 2013

*

     It's no surprise that things are so screwed up:
     everyone that knows how to run a government is
     either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
                               -George Burns

Thursday, February 21st, 2013

Golden Oldie



         Too many of us are like wheelbarrows--
         useful only when pushed and easily upset.
                            -Anon

Wednesday, February 20th, 2013

Golden Oldie


        This sentance has three erors.

Tuesday, February 19th, 2013

Golden Oldie


          I've had enough of gardening - I'm just
          about ready to throw in the trowel.
                             -Anon.

Monday, February 18th, 2013

Goldie Oldie

     We can't all be heroes because somebody has
     to sit on the curb and clap as they go  by.
                          -Will Rogers

Friday, February 15th, 2013

*


            When you have an efficient government,
            you have a dictatorship.

                        -Harry Truman

            (However it can be a dictatorship
             and still not be efficient).

Thursday, February 14th, 2013

Golden Oldie

         Always remember there are certain people
         who set their watches by your clock.

Wednesday, February 13th, 2013

       May be the matra of the newly retired.

       Whatcha doing today?
          Nuting
       That's what you did yesterday
          I didn't get finished.

Tuesday, February 12th, 2013

  *
             Truth is the most valuable thing we have --
               so let us economize it.

                                -Mark Twain

Monday, February 11th, 2013

                                                                      *
Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.

Friday, February 8th, 2013

*
You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
freedom and liberty.
                -- Henrik Ibsen

Thursday, February 7th, 2013

*
First Law of Procrastination:
        Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed
the deadline).

Wednesday, February 6th, 2013

Golden Oldie



           You can't measure time in days the way you can
           money in dollars because every day is different.
                               -Jorge Luis Borges

Tuesday, February 5th, 2013

  *





          Anyone can make an omelet with eggs.
          The trick is to make one with none.

Friday, February 1st, 2013

Golden Oldie


             The two most common things in the universe
             are hydrogen and stupidity.
                                  -Harlan Ellison

Thursday, January 31st, 2013

Golden Oldie

   Beware of triskaidekaphobia today.

Wednesday, January 30th, 2013

 Golden Oldie



    A telephone pole never hit an automobile.....
           except in self-defense.

Tuesday, January 29th, 2013

  *


           Everybody wants to go to heaven,
                but nobody wants to die.

Monday January 28th, 2013

The special today is a non dairy, gluten free, non
         artificial, non fructose drink - called water.
                                 Bottomliners by
                                 Eric and Bill Teitelbaum
                                 Submitted by Butch Kemper

Friday, January 25th, 2013

Golden Oldie



                 If at first you don't succeed....
                    so much for sky diving.

Thursday, January 24th, 2013

Golden Oldie

       Surly grammarians insist that all
       words ending in "ly" are adverbs.

Wednesday, January 23rd, 2013

Golden Oldie




             Teamwork is essential....
             it allows you to blame someone else.

January 22nd, 2013

Golden Oldie



           The user who pays the least complains the most.



            I am expecting an AMEN from my long time office mate.

Friday, January 18th, 2013

Golden Oldie


      The difference between the first day of spring
      and the first spring day can be several weeks.
                                -Anon

Thursday, January 17th, 2013

Golden Oldie

    Si hoc adfixum in obice legere potes,
    et liberaler educatus et nimim propinquus ades!

    [translation: If you can read this bumper sticker,
    you are both very well educated and much too close!]

Wednesday, January 16th, 2013

*
Adult, n.:
        One old enough to know better.

Tuesday, January 15th, 2013

  If you want it real bad, that's the way you get it, real bad.

                    -Col Lafield

Monday, January 14th, 2013

Golden Oldie

         Keep you Eye on the Ball,
         Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
         Your Nose to the Grindstone,
         Your Feet on the Ground,
         Your Head on your Shoulders.
         Now ... try to get something DONE in that position!

Friday, January 11th, 2013

Up
Lovers of the English language might enjoy this: How do
non-natives ever learn all the nuances of English?
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings
than any other two-letter word, and that word is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the
top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do
we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP
and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to
the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room,
polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers, and clean UP
the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the
old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an
appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because
it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning, but we close it UP at
night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the
word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it
takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about
thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the
many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time,
but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or
more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When
the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains,
it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for a while,
things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time
is UP, so ... Time to shut UP!
      -Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
       via Good Clean Funnies List 7/9/2009